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Whether you live in New York City or not, the tragic events of September 11th have affected us all in one way or another. For many of us, it feels like a tear in the fabric of our well-being as Americans and as human beings.
I myself first learned what was happening at 10:30 that Tuesday morning from the UPS man, who showed up at my door with a facemask on. Here in Brooklyn, the air was full of smoke and the streets had little, charred pieces of meeting notes from the twin towers from earlier that morning .
One patient of mine got out of the first tower with but minutes to spare. He saw people flying from upper floors; he saw the buildings collapse. Needless to say, he’s had trouble sleeping.
If you have lost someone from this tragedy, you need, of course, to grieve and to let that grief stay as long as it needs to. I have no easy way to get through this process; there is none. For me personally, the following Hopi poem has helped:
Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there.
Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow;
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain;
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand by my grave and weep;
I am not there.
Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I do not sleep.
Of course, you didn’t have to be there, or to know someone who was, to be deeply shaken from this event. Frankly, I think we’ve all been traumatized.
Not that all the effects on us have to be negative. For some, the events of September 11th, have helped put things into perspective. “I’ve come to see what’s really important now, and what isn’t”, a friend said to me. A man told me he suddenly values his life, and living, more. “These days I feel great any day I wake up!”
We are all affected in our own way.
But one important thing to appreciate right now is that, even though weeks have passed since September 11th, this tragedy—and its effect on us -- is not going away anytime soon. This is no short-term crisis. Our nation has never before seen such battles here on the mainland; at least not since the Civil War. The President has warned us that this struggle may take many years to complete. Your and my personal lives will continue to be affected in subtle and profound ways for quite some time. Therefore, do not underestimate the effects this attack may continue to have upon you and those around you.
The American Red Cross lists the following as common, normal reactions to trauma:
- Difficulty making decisions
- Agitation/anger/shortness of temper
- A sense of disorientation or time distortion
- Hyperactivity
- Trouble sleeping
- Sadness or apathy
- Difficulty concentrating or remembering things
- Feelings of helplessness or being overwhelmed
- Numbness/feeling withdrawn or disconnected
- Nightmares/constant fatigue
- Being tearful or crying for no apparent reason
So if you’re experiencing any of the above, know that you’re having normal reactions, and that this is what it’s like to live through trauma.
Common suggestions for coping at a time like this include: Try to take care of yourself and be extra gentle with yourself. Try to keep as normal a schedule as possible. Set limits for yourself and use the relaxation and stress reduction techniques you know. Decrease your use of caffeine; eat well-balanced meals, even if you don’t feel like it. Try to get plenty of rest. Use your support systems: friends, family, colleagues, clergy.
In addition, it’s important to do this simple thing: Try to identify your feelings (a therapist can help with this) and let yourself have them. This is called “Taming By Naming”, and is a good way to try to take hold of the uncontrollable.
Name them; say them; feel them; allow them to pass through.
Be it rage; terror; grief; confusion; whatever. Just let the emotion be there. And don’t be surprised if these feeling change from day to day, even hour to hour. You don’t have to act from them; but acknowledge them. Feelings are information. If you feel angry, it’s because in this case, someone (a terrorist) violated you (i.e., your well being). If you feel afraid, well, it’s an appropriate feeling when one's country is attacked! If you’re feeling helpless, try to understand that on some very real level, you are. We all are. But you can help yourself by acknowledging this emotion and any other, then sharing them with someone you feel comfortable with.
Second, let others have their feelings too. Just listen and be there for them. (And you’ll be a better listener if you know what you yourself are feeling and are able to accept that.) Don’t try to talk them out of their feelings. For example, it’s best not to advise them to “move on” or to assure them that “everything will be alright”. That may be good to tell your young children, but your fellow adults need more. They need to stay afraid if they’re afraid…with you being right there with them. They need to stay wherever they are emotionally. And if they can’t process this, don’t try to force them. We all have our own ways of coping, and for some, denial and distancing ourselves from the horror is what we may need to do for awhile. If you’re in a relationship and your partner is clearly stressed by these events but won’t talk about it, just let them know you’re there to listen whenever they’re ready. Look for signs of stress, like them becoming argumentative over small things, for example, and gently suggest there may be a connection between their mood and the recent events. If they’re not into having such a conversation, check in with them about it from time to time, but don’t push them.
Many men especially have difficulty getting in touch with emotions during such a time and often will seek relief by overworking; or numbing themselves through media-overload or indulging in revenge fantasies, or in substances like alcohol, drugs and too much caffeine. Men are also taught to tough things out on their own, and therefore may be hesitant to talk to others. Many are also concerned that allowing themselves certain more vulnerable feelings such as fear or deep sadness might swallow them up and render them incapable of functioning or taking action.
But suppressing strong emotions takes a lot of energy, and feeling them deeply helps us move through them, releasing energy for living our lives.
Another thing to keep in mind is that current trauma tends to trigger memories of past traumas, so if you are finding yourself feeling overwhelmed with older events, know this is normal. You may want to seek some professional help at this time, even if it’s as a bridge for the short term, to get you over this emotional hump.
Over time, we’re going to have to do more for ourselves about this. Because these events have shaken many of us down to our spiritual roots. Questions such as, How could God allow such an atrocity? haunt many of us.
And there are other disturbing questions: Will living in America ever be the same? Are our civil rights and the rights of minorities safe? Are we safe from biological, chemical or nuclear attack from terrorists willing to go on Kamikaze missions? Will we go to full scale war, and if so will there be a draft? What will happen to us economically?
Perhaps most poignantly, the question of, How Do I Live Now?, in light of these events, is something we as individuals and as members of our communities will have to face. For those of us who live in big cities, the question may even be: Where do I live now?? Believe me, right now many of us here in New York are asking ourselves this question!
I bring these issues up not to frighten or overwhelm you --after all, it’s often daunting just getting through the day, and that’s in normal times! – but simply to bring them to consciousness, because they may be gnawing at you underneath. These questions will take time to answer, and we will all need each other to do it.
More about the author: Charley Wininger
charleywin@hotmail.com
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